So guess what just happened between Jon and I? We kissed. It's not exactly "hooking up" but it was way further than "just friends", although not yet in the danger zone.
I spent hours going over it in my head. Jon was not my type. I liked the guys that I had to "fix". No matter how much I tried, I always attracted, and was attracted to, the "bad boy". If he was depressed, I was his happy pill. If he was too busy, I was the drug that took his mind off things. If he was wild, I settled him down. If he was a genius, I provided him the fun. If he was unattainable, I got him. Basically, I loved a challenge. And I'm not saying Jon wasn't a challenge, but he wasn't my usual challenge. There was nothing wrong with him. He was happy, on his own, paying his own bills, dating when appropriate, clean, smart, independent guy. And yet here I was, having feelings for him. But we were both in a very sensitive situation and that in itself must have been challenge enough to get my attention. And yet this was the first time I didn't just jump into things without thinking - a new challenge for me.
Ah...the wonderful challenge of a new relationship. Be fair - who doesn't love a bit of a challenge. The way your palms sweat when you see him first thing in the morning. The way you suddenly second guess the way you talk to him when everything has always been so casual. The way you over-analyze his every sentence and every move. I mean, when he said "Good morning", did he mean that it was good because he just saw you or because he had nothing else to say? And then there was the flirting. Jon and I had always flirted in our own friendly "I-flirt-because-I'll-never-actually-get-with-you" kind of way. But now we were really flirting. I batted my eye lashes the best way I could, he spent an extra 5 minutes in the bathroom fixing his hair (Jon, if you're reading this - don't think I didn't notice). We laughed a little louder and longer than usual at the horrible jokes the other made; we "accidentally" bumped into each other in the hallway; we found reasons to spend an extra minute or two in the morning dilly-dallying so we could drive to work together. But neither one of us made a move because we both knew that we were walking on thin ice.
Until one Friday night.
We were hanging out in our apartment, watching TV when it finally happened. Jon was watching something irrelevant while I was playing Snood. If you have never played Snood, I suggest you wipe that name from your memory and walk away from the computer. If you have played Snood before, put the mouse down and take a slow step away from the PC; just remember, there is more to life than Snood; you might think that you're playing just one game, but the next thing you know it's 4am and you haven't slept, ate, or taken your eyes off the computer for hours. Is that the life you want? On second thought, maybe I'll go play some Snood now and finish this later...just one game...maybe two...or just an hour...or just this weekend.
[25 days later]
I won at Snood lite but I refuse to buy the full version. I mean, who would pay for that? Now where was I.
So we were sitting on our respective couches (Jon and I each sat on a different couch because by this point our tension was so high, we couldn't be within 10 feet of each other), when it happened. I was playing that evil game while he was watching TV. Except he wasn't watching TV, he was fidgeting. I was playing the game that steals your life without really paying full attention (again, with Snood, this is almost impossible). Instead I kept sneaking a peak at Jon, my roommate, my best friend. And he was sneaking peaks at me, his fragile just-got-out-of-a-big-relationship-but-I-just-kissed-her colleague (are you understanding the ridiculous number of rules we're about to break and lines that we're about to cross?). And then I gave up looking at him. I'd had enough of this tension; and besides, I was on level 8.
"F*ck it"
That was it. He just looked and me and said "F*ck it". I was too scared to look away from my computer. The over-analyzing part of me was going into over drive. What did he mean by that? As in he doesn't want to deal with the tension any more either or that all our boundaries couldn't hold us apart? Or maybe he was just talking to the TV? What was he watching? I couldn't dare myself to look up, so I continued to play Snood. But he dropped the remote and was coming toward me. Oh My God. He wasn't talking to the TV. He wasn't sick of the boundaries. He was crossing every line drawn in the sand. I stared at my PC. I was loosing track of what I was doing and where I was. I held my breath as I stared at my game, pretending that I didn't hear him and that even if I did, I could care less about what he said or was doing. Inside, I was having a full blow panic attack.
He took my computer and pushed it aside, looked me dead in the eye and kissed me. It was one of those slow kisses, just lips and our slow breathing. In my case, there was no breathing by this point. I was just staring, silent, breath-less. His lips touched mine in the most gentle manner as if he knew that I watched way too many romantic comedies. I had no choice but to close my eyes. He continued to kiss me, slowly changing his slow kiss to a romantic, yet gentle kiss. And then more passionate. I couldn't remember who I was, but I was kissing this boy, so who cared?
Our first kiss in front of BAR was amazing. It was passionate and lustful. This was different. This was more peaceful. It was as if we both gave up on the fight we were fighting against ignoring one another because we thought it was too risky to cross the roommate line. This kiss felt like we had finally come home. Together.
The was the first night of our "forever", although we didn't know it just yet.
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